


Fuck It

by imasleepytea



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Based on a Tumblr Post, Gay, M/M, Pre-Book: Carry On, Slow Burn, SnowBaz, carry on 6th year au, i apologise for the level of swearing tbh, im a mess, im sorry i just love carry on, simon snow is a sweetheart, simon swears a lot in this one, slow burn snowbaz, this is a mess
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-04
Updated: 2018-09-04
Packaged: 2019-07-07 00:25:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15897165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imasleepytea/pseuds/imasleepytea
Summary: Set in 6th year, when Baz is feeling angsty and suicidal and decides to just go up to Simon and tell him he likes him, because what's the worst that can happen right? Either Simon wants Baz or kills him and either way its good for Baz. But Simon doesn't realise, thinks Baz is plotting and is just a fool. Angsty and dark humour.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Massive thanks to my beta @nerdflighter on tumblr for making me make sense, they're great. Also you can read this on my tumblr https://imasleepytea.tumblr.com/.

**Baz**

 

A massive crash, followed by a stream of curse words wakes me. Great, I guess that means Snow’s awake, and he’s opened the fucking curtains,  _ again _ . The sunlight stings my face when I open my eyes to the sight of Snow standing in front of his wardrobe, choosing a shirt. He does this every day, but normally before he showers, not after. Why the hell did he have to shower first? He’s only wearing a towel, held low on his waist while the other flicks through the hangers and - Crowley. I’m going to hell, if not for what I’m thinking about Snow, then what I’d like to do to him. It’s way too early for me to be thinking these thoughts. His golden skin is glistening with water droplets from his shower - wow, he’s even bad at drying himself (I’d gladly help him out) and I can see just the start of his arse - there’s a mole there that I’d love to kiss one day, if he’d just let me, but of course not. Snow thinks I’m evil incarnate. He might not actually be that wrong there, I am pretty evil, but Snow also thinks I hate him, when in reality I really, really don’t.  

 

“Baz?”

 

“What the fuck do you want Snow?” I snarl, hating that he’d think of speaking to me when I haven’t showered and my hair is standing on all ends.

 

“Nothing, it’s just you’re staring and I wish you would stop,” Snow says gruffly, pathetically. Everything he does is pathetic, I’m weak for him.

 

I’ve been in love with this moron for long enough - I could just tell him (how long do people usually wait before confessing their love?). I’m sick of sharing a room with him, I just want to be gone from this world. There’s nothing fucking worse than sharing a room with Snow, he has no sense of boundaries and I think he does it just to mess with me. 

 

There’s nothing worse than sharing a room with your worst enemy. They’re always there and you never get a minute of peace (to plot their downfall). I’m pretty sure there’s nothing worse than sharing a room with the boy you’re head over heels in love with - it hurts  _ all the time _ ; you see them shirtless and they’re never doing it for you, (that’s just how they sleep) you see them tired, angry, frustrated and you only end up wanting them more. Unrequited love fucking kills, especially when you’re in love with Snow.

 

At least if I tell him, I’ll get to die. He’ll go straight to the mage and fucking destroy me and Simon fucking Snow will have finally purged the world of me. It’ll be a bloody fucking mess; my family wants me to marry a nice posh girl and they fucking  _ hate  _ Snow and everything he stands for: he’s the Mage’s heir and the Mage is tearing apart my mother’s legacy, one bullshit reform at the time. 

 

But if I tell him, it’ll be the end of me, and then I won’t have to worry about this shitty fucking crush on Snow anymore, I’ll be  _ gone  _ and that’s all I need right now. The end of the world is all I want right now. I want the feeling of his skin against mine, the ache in my teeth before they pop, the glint of his sword arcing through the air, the last thing I ever see. I dream about it constantly.

 

Morgana, I knew Snow would be the one to end me or I’d be the one to end him but I actually fucking  _ need  _ him to end me. Father doesn’t talk about my being gay at all - and I know well what that particular kind of silence means.  _ We’re going to pretend you aren’t and you’re going to go with it. _ If he knew I’m hopelessly in love with Snow, he’d sell me out unhesitatingly. 

 

Besides, Snow is straight and he loathes everything about me - he’ll never want anything to do  _ this _ . And if I don’t do something soon, the Old Families will make me kill him, and I can’t live with his blood on my hands. Besides, I’m so twisted that the idea of Snow ripping me to shreds and ending my miserable goddamn life turns me on. I imagine a scenario where he’s standing over me, poised to stab me with that sword of his ( _ Not  _ like that) and there’s blood everywhere but he’s  _ still  _ beautiful. 

 

I’m just going to have to tell him. Get it over with.

 

He’s re-tying it for the fifth time today and  _ I give up _ . He looks so angry at everything and that’s a little bit hot too. I can’t win.

 

And now he can't even tie his own fucking tie - is this seriously what i think will finish me off? Crowley, I  _ am  _ pathetic. And  _ he’s  _ dumb and butchering the job he’s doing of trying to 

tie it.

 

“Snow,” I sigh, loving the taste of his name in my mouth when I’m not snarling it. His head jerks up.

 

“What the fuck do you want?” 

 

“Let me tie your tie for you.” I swear, I sound like I’m begging - is this really what Snow has reduced me to? 

 

I just want to be near him.

 

“Fucking  _ fine, _ ” He shouts and I hate the frustration in his voice, I’m just trying to be nice but he thinks I’m being a dick and I don’t know how much longer I can go on hurting Snow. I’d be nice to him if it didn’t mean I’d attach myself to his lips and never let go. 

 

I step out of bed, smoothing my hair out of my face and being sure to keep my mouth shut- Snow doesn’t need to smell the stale blood on my breath. I step as close to him as I dare and get to work on his tie with sure fingers, even if I have to clench my teeth to keep them from shaking.

 

When I’m done he storms out of the room, presumably off to breakfast and his girlfriend. 

 

Wellbelove is another fucking issue in my love for Snow - he’s got a girlfriend, and I’ve been trying to break them up for the past couple of years but nothing has worked and Snow (the idot) thinks I want  _ Agatha _ . I really fucked up in pretending to flirt with Agatha - now Snow’s never going to believe my complete queerness, even if he  _ did  _ want me. 

 

And that’s the biggest issue, isn’t it. If he loves me. If only. If, if, if.

 

Fuck, fuck,  _ fuck _ . This has been the worst start to a day I’ve had in a while. I want to die, killed by Snow, the two of us covered in blood. I want to feed, blood slipping its way down my neck. I want Snow, that’s all I really want, Simon. Goddamn. Snow. 

  
I  _ need  _ a cold shower. I need to fucking calm down and  _ not  _ think about Snow and blood and Snow and I, covered in blood. I need to be stopped.

 

It takes me half an hour to calm down enough to go to breakfast, and even then I am confused and kind of horny and unable to stop myself from thinking about him, a broken record playing on loop inside me.

 

**Simon**

 

Why did Baz want to tie my tie for me this morning? What in hell’s name was he  _ thinking  _ there? He was definitely plotting. I don’t think he cares enough about the anathema to not strangle me with his own tie - I can tell that Baz 100% hates his life. But then again, I was going to be late to breakfast soon so I needed his help. I like my scones to be hot when I get to them.

 

“Fucking fine!” I spat at him, annoyance stirring my magic and making me even more irritable.

 

He came and stood in front of me, close, too fucking close, so close I could feel his breath on my face and as he expertly tied my tie around my neck in about two seconds. Of fucking course he did, he’s the most perfect person I know and I hate him for it.

 

“Ugh. Thank you.” I grunted out, before stalking down to breakfast in a fucking awful snit.

 

Penny could tell I’m in a bad mood of course; my magic is so close that I’m smoking, but when my only response to her asking what’s up is “Baz”, she rolls her eyes and turns to Agatha, chatting with her instead. Baz is late down to breakfast and can’t stop staring at Agatha. I know he likes her, but maybe he could keep his eyes off my girlfriend a little more, you know, just to be polite. To piss him off, I kiss her cheek and throw my arm around her while keeping eye contact with Baz the entire time. His lip twists and he looks away, finally, down at his breakfast.

 

His plate is nearly empty. 

 

Fucking vampire.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to thank my brilliant beta @nerdflighter on tumblr for being incredible. Also you can find this on my tumblr https://imasleepytea.tumblr.com/ if you want.

**Baz**

 

Simon bloody Snow is fucking seething all day long and I genuinely think it's because I helped him this morning. For fuck’s sake, I wish it wasn't so easy to piss him off, but then again, it means he’s more likely to kill me. He’ll destroy me and I’ll just be able to hold him and be so fucking close to him. 

  
I can’t be near him, it just makes my brain short circuit, I swear. He makes me shut down and I'm honestly impressed with myself that I didn't strangle him with his own bloody tie or kill him this morning; I was sure that one or the other was inevitable. But no, I was actually nice to him and I could tell that he had no fucking clue how to take it. He actually will be the end of me, Snow will destroy me or I’ll fucking kill him because of my lust and his insane stupidity. Jesus, this is a pickle.

 

You know what, fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. I’m going to fucking tell him.

 

I’m in our room later, after afternoon lessons but before dinner and I’m waiting for Snow and I’m so desperate to tell him that I’m almost growling. I’ve almost given up hope and I’m just about to go down to the Catacombs to hunt when the door flies open and there is Snow. 

 

“Hey, Snow. I need to talk to you, it’s important.” Fuck, I’ve started telling him, I can’t go back now. He splutters something vague at me, I think about Penny and dinner, but I interrupt him. “Don’t worry, I won’t make you late for your precious scones.” I can never just be nice to him, can I? Crowley, I’m a posh twat. “Simon, I want to stop fighting with you, please.” His jaw drops open and all I can think is shit. Shit. Shit. I’ve messed this up.

 

“What did you just call me? Did you- did you just call me Simon?” And I swear to hell, his eyes are the size of fucking saucers, he’s so shocked. Well get ready for another fucking surprise.

 

“No I didn’t, get over yourself.” I snap, “Snow, just listen to me. I like you and I’m done fighting with you an-”

 

“What do you mean, done fighting with me? What am I meant to do now?” Seriously, that’s all he has to say. I just told the buffoon I like him and he’s worried about battles. I should have known, seriously, don’t fall in love with a kid who just wants battles.

 

“I’m sure you’ll find some other way to occupy yourself, perhaps with eating.” I retort, starting to get annoyed here, why won’t he let me speak? Fuck you Snow (Crowley know I want to). “Snow, for God’s sake, I like you and I want you.”

 

“You want me? What do you want me to do?” He’s not joking, he’s actually confused. I’m in love with a moron. 

  
I was expecting him to scream, or to punch me or maybe, just maybe to kiss me - I know that’s not going to happen, but I’ve got to fantasise about something, haven’t I? And… he doesn’t he just stands there, blinking at me and then runs off, probably after Bunce.

 

**Simon**

 

Baz just told me he likes me and clearly this is him fucking plotting against me. I mean, he called me Simon - he’s never done that ever before. He must want me to think that he genuinely likes me so I’ll become his friend and then he’ll hurt me. You know what they say, keep your friends close and your enemies closer. 

 

Penny. I need to tell Penny. She’ll know what to make of it all. She always knows what to say about Baz. 

 

“Pen! Penny, Baz just told me something nice! He said he doesn’t want us to fight any more. Penny, Penny, he’s plotting, can you believe it? He basically just told me he’s plotting!” 

 

“While I distrust Baz a whole lot, how does this prove he’s plotting?” Penny is always so exasperated at me talking about Baz and I’m sick of it. I love Pen the most, probably more than I love Agatha to be honest, but she never believes me about Baz. 

 

I push out my chin and sigh, “Penny! He’s trying to make me trust him so I’ll become his friend and then he’ll tear me apart, can’t you see? You know, keep your friends close and your enemies closer?”

 

“Wait. That’s actually quite smart. That jammy genius, taking all the best ideas. I wish I’d thought of that.” I’m glad Penny finally believes that Baz is plotting, but she doesn’t just get to think Baz is great and be jealous of his ideas when he almost certainly wants me dead again. Why else would he say he likes me?He clearly only meant that he likes me as a friend; Baz is straight after all, but something in the way he said it was just so intimate, I feel embarrassed just thinking about it.

 

“What am I going to do though? He said he likes me! So he obviously wants me dead, no matter how smart his plans are!” My eyes are filling with frustrated tears, fuck, I hate that they do that.

 

“Well… just hear me out here, maybe, just maybe, you could… pretend, only  _ pretend,  _ obviously to make friends with him, treat him as if you don’t 100% hate him, maybe even treat him as if you like him to, you know, just as a friend. And it would be okay, because you know that he’s plotting so you’ll basically be immune to it and actually be have the upper hand and we’ll be able to plot against him.” It’s actually a genius idea, why the fuck is Penny so smart? If I make friends, I’ll actually know what Baz is up to, unlike the year when I unsuccessfully stalked him and found out nothing, I’ll know it all. And it’s not like I actually have to be his friend for this plan, he just has to believe I am. Genius. 

  
When I get to our room later, I smile at Baz before sitting on my bed, he looks startled but at least doesn’t glare at me like he would normally. Baby steps, baby steps to Baz thinking I’m his friend and then I can tear him apart.

 

The next morning, I actually try to get up quietly, trying my hardest to not bump into anything and when I do, I actually bite my lip to stop myself swearing, but there was no point in that, Baz is awake and staring at me anyway. Oops. 

 

**Baz**

Snow doesn’t seem to have taken my little confession to him too badly. Then again, he seems to be way too fucking dim-witted to have understood what the hell I meant. God, why am I in love with such a gloriously innocent moron? I’m glad he took my confession alright because it means I get to stare at him, at his fucking perfection even longer. But, fucking hell, I wish he’d just killed me. I think he meant that I want to just be friends and I don’t fucking want that, do I? I cannot be around Snow, I want to be fucking dead. I wish he’d fucking run me through with his sword, then I could have seen his fucking beautiful concentration face, the one where his eyelids droop and he bites his lower lip. I cannot be around him when he does that face, sitting near Snow in class makes me implode.

 

And now he’s being nice to me, which is the worst. Snow tried to get up quietly this morning, which didn’t work because he’s the fucking clumsiest person in the entire world and I wish he were dead. (The two of us dead, covered in blood, cradling each other. Such a fucking fantasy.) But he  _ is  _ trying. Which is sweet, I guess.

 

If he’s getting up, I may as well too, I duck into the bathroom to change and return to see Snow struggling with his tie again and he’s doing the fucking concentration face _.  _ I cannot deal with this. I lean against the bathroom door frame, watching him, just enjoying it all, until he looks up. “Baz, will you… help me, please?” He says plaintively. I have to step forward, pulling him closer by his shoulders and getting to touch him is almost enough for me. I’m going to fucking die and Snow will kill me, one way or another- I just have to remember that. He’s breathing a little too fast, but I’m too busy tying his stupid tie as fast as I can to dwell on it. I spring away from him as soon as I’m done, embarrassed and ashamed at how overwhelmed I feel after just seconds of being so close to him. 

 

“Thank you, Baz.” He murmurs hesitantly. I nod in response and start to head out the door to breakfast, at the same time, so does Snow. He stops, in a panic and I know exactly why; the two of us never walk anywhere together, even if it will make one of us late “You know, we could just walk down together?” He offers and he looks so, well, good. And all I want is to be close to him for a little longer. I nod again. he’s just so hot and I just want him to kill me so fucking much that I have to nod. 

 

**Simon**

 

Baz and I walk down to breakfast together in silence - it’s not like we have anything to say to each other - and it’s kind of nice. It’s weird, yeah, but nice. I can’t believe I offered, even though obviously I did it so he’d think I want to be his friend, that’s all.

 

**Baz**

 

The whole way down to breakfast all I can think about is the gap between Snow and I - it’s so small you couldn’t fit a person between us and his hand is so close to mine. I could take it. I  _ shouldn’t  _ take it, he’d fucking strangle me if I did and I’d be able to see all his muscles and it would be the fucking end of me.

 

I’m just about to reach out to him when we reach the dining hall and separate our ways, him going to Penny and fucking Agatha and I to Dev and Niall. I stare at Agatha all breakfast - it’s a sure-fire way of getting him to stare back at me and when he looks at me I can imagine him destroying me.

 


End file.
